being single / writing

Year 24: I Love My Queen-Sized Bed

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.

That’s how I always felt about my old twin sized bed. I carried it from college into my adult life. As more time was passing without a boyfriend, I desperately began searching for answers. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have a boyfriend because my bed was too small for two people. And Ray Kinsella said, “If you build it, he will come.” So I went out and bought a new queen sized bed.

But soon, I realized that I built it and he didn’t come.

I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need.
Now it’s in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it’s free.

Well, I didn’t exactly get rid of it. But I I felt like it. You see, I had these dreams and they just weren’t coming true.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What’s the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

Sometimes I don’t see the point in keeping it.  But there are small moments, tiny pockets of happiness in my bed, that make me glad it’s there. I stretch out and spread out and roll myself around in the covers, and sometimes I really love that I can do that. And those are the moments I’m glad that I built it back when I was 23, even if no one came. I deserve it for myself.

But other times, even though I love my queen sized bed, I feel so defeated. So defeated lying there in my new queen sized bed.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed.

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One thought on “Year 24: I Love My Queen-Sized Bed

  1. One thing I wish, is that I had waited longer before I married. Before I even met my husband. So I could get to know myself, and support myself, and travel and live alone, and set my own goals for my life.These aren’t romantic things, but they’re important things. I think I was afraid to – afraid I’d end up alone. Silly. Very few people end up alone unless they want to.
    If you knew right now that you would meet Mr. Right in two years, you’d be loving this time. And you almost certainly will meet him sometime in the future.
    Meanwhile, yeah girl, you bought that bed for yourself!
    Jane Ann

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