dating / funny / writing

Amnesia Steele

It’s official. I purchased a defective copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I want my money back. (For that and so many other reasons, reasons I will count on my long-fingered hand.) I have scoured and poured through the first 100 pages of E L James’s mind-numbing, soul-deadening descriptions and nowhere–I repeat NOWHERE–can I find the moment when Anastasia Steele is struck with amnesia. I’m sure it’s there. It must be. There’s no other way to explain what happens after page 97. She must contract a case of amnesia that makes her forget who she is, what all of her character qualities are.  And my book is missing that section.

How else would one make sense of her actions? It’s impossible. Unless…there is amnesia.

The young Anastasia of the early chapters is described as someone who at age twenty-one had never wanted to be kissed before. She said she  prefers her own company, “curled up in a chair in the campus library.” Romantically, she had “never” put herself out there, “ever”.  No one ever sparked her interest, and no one has ever held her hand. She giddily says after final exams, “I might even get drunk! I’ve never been drunk before.” And she reads Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte sisters, and Thomas Hardy.

She doesn’t even drink coffee. She drinks tea.

So there’s no other way to explain her behavior AFTER page 97 unless she has amnesia.

After page 97, she enters a room with “an X fashioned to the wall facing the door…and there are restraining cuffs on each corner.” Above it is an iron grid with “all manner of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles” hanging from it. From the curtain-like rods across the wall hang “an assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feather implements.” There is more, but please tell me you get the picture. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

After this little tour…young, bookish, never-been-drunk-or-kissed-or-handheld Anastasia reads the rules that will define her as a Submissive. She will “agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits.” (Skip to: Hard Limits- No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof, no acts involving gynecological medical instruments, no acts involving children or animals…again, please tell me I can stop.). She also reads rules about amounts of sleep, how much and what food she’ll eat, what she will wear, and others about exercise and personal hygiene.

THEN…after that, Long-Fingered Grey finds out she’s a virgin. (Really? “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Really, Mr. Fingers? You couldn’t tell?) And, when he declares that he wants to devirginize her, her response–AFTER seeing the room and the rules– is…..

(drum roll)…

“I flush…oh my…wishes do come true.”

I kid you not. Miss Anastasia Steele, lover of Mr. Darcy and Heathcliff and Romeo, says “wishes do come true” to having her first sexual encounter with a sex perv. A long-fingered, slightly gay, unromantic sex perv.

And I won’t even describe that encounter to you–what he does or what she says about it– because I’d like for you to keep reading this blog. And I really will throw up in my mouth.

So, you can now understand why it is clear that my copy of Fifty Shades of Grey is defective. There must be an amnesia scene between page 97 and the rest. There is no other way to explain Anastasia Steele.

Well, I guess there is one other way to explain it. THIS IS A HORRIBLE BOOK and E L JAMES IS THE WORST WRITER ON THE PLANET.

I wish I could get amnesia and forget I ever read the first eight chapters.

(p.s. found two more finger references…”Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair” and “His long fingers deftly peel back the paper”. Sick. Sick. Sick. Seriously, WHAT’S WITH THE LONG FINGERS?)

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